How often does this happen to you - when you hear a line of discussion in an AA meeting and you wish you were recording or writing things down. It's like you're receiving words of wisdom from a well written book. I had just such an experience this past weekend, and I will try to share it with you.
The topic was "how do you move forward with your sobriety in times of turmoil".
The first gentleman that spoke on the topic shared that his biggest source of turmoil in his life has always been himself - his conflict with others, his anger, his abrasive reactions to others in his life. While others may do us wrong, the one constant in our interactions and problems we have with other people - and the only one which we can hope to control - is ourselves.
This guy spoke of a another man that had come to do work at his house shortly after he had gotten sober. The man was disheveled, reeking of alcohol and smoke from the previous night or perhaps hours before. Upon realizing the state of his worker, his first instinct was to be angry. Instead, he paused; then, he decided to ask what was going on, and was this man OK. And the long story short was that this man was not OK, he helped him into sobriety, and they have since forged a lifelong friendship. He spoke of the turning point that this moment was for both of them. A moment that instead of blurting and going with what immediately came to his mind, he paused, and said nothing for just a moment.
The moment of a pause before we speak or act is such a glorious gift that most of us practicing sobriety must learn. A momentary pause can allow us to:
- allow our brain to accept bad or unexpected news - thus staving off catastrophizing a situation
- reach for the proper words to express ourselves
- reach a decision - do we want or need to further escalate or can we de-escalate?
- for me, a moment to ponder what part of this matter I can control, and what I cannot, is the most useful purpose of the moment
"No thanks, I'm not drinking tonight...", it's a line I have used in sobriety on a number of occasions. It's my first line of defense in responding to what we all have to deal with in recovery. "Surely you want to have a drink right? Why wouldn't you??".
I was never NOT shocked during my drinking days when someone would abstain or cut off their drinking after maybe one drink. It seemed inhuman, and certainly felt unnecessary. So now, to be that guy that occasionally goes into a setting where a drink is available even encouraged, and NOT accept a drink... really it is a surreal feeling to be that guy!
There is frequently discussion in AA meetings and other recovery settings around how to handle such situations. It's obviously a huge pitfall of sobriety to be around your drug of choice. And its further complicated with alcohol recovery in that its use is so widely accepted. We are bombarded daily by advertising telling us to drink their brand, showing people enjoying friends and family doing ...
I actually feel guilty when people ask me how I'm doing. In a world where there is a large segment of the population that believes the world is evil, broken, is about to end, or wish that it WOULD end... I am enjoying life far more than at any other time in my lifetime. I've overcome addictions and daily alcohol abuse that had me retching, shaking and drinking at 4am every day. I drank lethal doses of alcohol daily. I took my life to the edge of the cliff and bounced off of it. So I'll see your existential threats to humanity (climate, viruses, or whatever those may be) and raise you a huge IDGAF. Life is fragile and fretting over our existence isn't going to change that.
Okay, it's not that I really don't care. But I do believe the egotistic nature of mankind is what is really at work here. Humankind is intellectually curious, ambitious, somewhat greedy. We have become conditioned to always want more and more, leading to expecting more, eventually to DEMANDING more ("OK, Karen" ). While certain ...
An odd thing has happened to me in sobriety. I have difficulty manufacturing fear the way I used to.
To me, fear is a sensation of danger, something that will cause turmoil, suffering, pain, or death. It's a human impulse response designed to motivate us to protect ourselves and our well being. In the case of death, fear feels to me like a combination of worry over the unknown, over a life not fully lived and being cut short, and for those that depend on me to be left without whatever support and care I provide. And to me, anxiety is fear with the simple added element of time. Anxiety is fear over what happened recently, or what is yet to come.
Being mostly free of fear doesn't mean I am brave. I'm not turning into Batman and seeking violent criminals to battle for the common good. I don't want to do free solo climbing - I still have a healthy, even irrational fear of heights when I am exposed to heights in the outside. And I certainly still feel anxiety. I have a love-hate relationship with ...
