"No thanks, I'm not drinking tonight...", it's a line I have used in sobriety on a number of occasions. It's my first line of defense in responding to what we all have to deal with in recovery. "Surely you want to have a drink right? Why wouldn't you??".
I was never NOT shocked during my drinking days when someone would abstain or cut off their drinking after maybe one drink. It seemed inhuman, and certainly felt unnecessary. So now, to be that guy that occasionally goes into a setting where a drink is available even encouraged, and NOT accept a drink... really it is a surreal feeling to be that guy!
There is frequently discussion in AA meetings and other recovery settings around how to handle such situations. It's obviously a huge pitfall of sobriety to be around your drug of choice. And its further complicated with alcohol recovery in that its use is so widely accepted. We are bombarded daily by advertising telling us to drink their brand, showing people enjoying friends and family doing so, and noting that as long as we 'drink responsibly' that it's actually a positive thing to do.
I believe one thing is clear, that however you are most comfortable handling the situation is the way you should handle it. I have met people in AA that have been sober for 30 years, and they never discussed their alcoholism with casual acquaintances, and they generally don't allow themselves to be in the presence of alcohol. My personal approach to the situation is continually evolving, but one thing that I feel differently about is that being around alcohol - seeing it, smelling it, seeing how people behave while using it - it all actually REINFORCES why I wanted to stop. Drinking for me had become a chore, I was tired of it. I was tired of forcing myself through the smell and the gag reflex of consuming alcohol in order to get enough into my body to stabilize my nerves and mood. Being around it now is a perfect reminder of why I quit.
I also feel quite comfortable telling people I am an alcoholic, so long as the proper context and background can be given. For example, if I am at a noisy work-related happy hour with people I have only recently met, and I need to decline a drink, I would not blurt out "no drink for me I'm an alcoholic". I just order a diet Coke or whatever, and if the pressure were to escalate I would simply escalate my own protection appropriately and say "no, I don't care for a drink I don't want alcohol today". However, if I am at dinner with work or other casual acquaintances with whom I have a decent relationship, and I decline a drink and it leads to any further questions why - I might actually begin to divulge more. "Yes, I used to drink but I have removed it from my life altogether it's better that way". If they seem genuinely interested in hearing more I will keep talking - I will talk to anyone at any length about my sobriety if the interest is there from their side! "So x years ago I decided my alcohol use had become a problem for me and decided to get help". I might mention AA, I might mention I spent a week in "rehab" and even the clinic where I stayed if it seems appropriate. I have never regretted doing so. I've never liked saying I am an alcoholic, I do so but it's not a phrase I'm compelled to interject into the conversation. When discussing the topic with someone for the first time, I simply stick with the story and the reality, not the labels.
My sons have occasionally asked me if they can divulge my alcoholism given some specific context related to school. The answer will always be the same - yes, you can discuss that you have a parent that is an alcoholic. My only ask is that it's given the proper context and is not just a casual statement or side note. If you're going to divulge it, give it the proper attention to describe what I was like, what happened, and what I am like now (as the familiar AA saying goes).
I don't think my sobriety was or is an act of bravery - I was flat out tired of the stuff, and if I hadn't quit then I wouldn't be alive today it's that simple. But it has become the one thing where I welcome attention and interest in me as a person. I will speak with anyone, all day long or as long as they'll let me, about my experiences.
I actually feel guilty when people ask me how I'm doing. In a world where there is a large segment of the population that believes the world is evil, broken, is about to end, or wish that it WOULD end... I am enjoying life far more than at any other time in my lifetime. I've overcome addictions and daily alcohol abuse that had me retching, shaking and drinking at 4am every day. I drank lethal doses of alcohol daily. I took my life to the edge of the cliff and bounced off of it. So I'll see your existential threats to humanity (climate, viruses, or whatever those may be) and raise you a huge IDGAF. Life is fragile and fretting over our existence isn't going to change that.
Okay, it's not that I really don't care. But I do believe the egotistic nature of mankind is what is really at work here. Humankind is intellectually curious, ambitious, somewhat greedy. We have become conditioned to always want more and more, leading to expecting more, eventually to DEMANDING more ("OK, Karen" ). While certain ...
How often does this happen to you - when you hear a line of discussion in an AA meeting and you wish you were recording or writing things down. It's like you're receiving words of wisdom from a well written book. I had just such an experience this past weekend, and I will try to share it with you.
The topic was "how do you move forward with your sobriety in times of turmoil".
The first gentleman that spoke on the topic shared that his biggest source of turmoil in his life has always been himself - his conflict with others, his anger, his abrasive reactions to others in his life. While others may do us wrong, the one constant in our interactions and problems we have with other people - and the only one which we can hope to control - is ourselves.
This guy spoke of a another man that had come to do work at his house shortly after he had gotten sober. The man was disheveled, reeking of alcohol and smoke from the previous night or perhaps hours before. Upon realizing the state of his worker, ...
An odd thing has happened to me in sobriety. I have difficulty manufacturing fear the way I used to.
To me, fear is a sensation of danger, something that will cause turmoil, suffering, pain, or death. It's a human impulse response designed to motivate us to protect ourselves and our well being. In the case of death, fear feels to me like a combination of worry over the unknown, over a life not fully lived and being cut short, and for those that depend on me to be left without whatever support and care I provide. And to me, anxiety is fear with the simple added element of time. Anxiety is fear over what happened recently, or what is yet to come.
Being mostly free of fear doesn't mean I am brave. I'm not turning into Batman and seeking violent criminals to battle for the common good. I don't want to do free solo climbing - I still have a healthy, even irrational fear of heights when I am exposed to heights in the outside. And I certainly still feel anxiety. I have a love-hate relationship with ...
