I actually feel guilty when people ask me how I'm doing. In a world where there is a large segment of the population that believes the world is evil, broken, is about to end, or wish that it WOULD end... I am enjoying life far more than at any other time in my lifetime. I've overcome addictions and daily alcohol abuse that had me retching, shaking and drinking at 4am every day. I drank lethal doses of alcohol daily. I took my life to the edge of the cliff and bounced off of it. So I'll see your existential threats to humanity (climate, viruses, or whatever those may be) and raise you a huge IDGAF. Life is fragile and fretting over our existence isn't going to change that.
Okay, it's not that I really don't care. But I do believe the egotistic nature of mankind is what is really at work here. Humankind is intellectually curious, ambitious, somewhat greedy. We have become conditioned to always want more and more, leading to expecting more, eventually to DEMANDING more ("OK, Karen" ). While certain causes like climate seem to represent the opposite of greed, I believe they do represent the epitome of arrogance. We truly believe we can control this world and reap the benefits of that control for the good of all people. The only thing holding us back is just getting everyone on the same page! As individuals, we commit ourselves to causes for the common good, and we leverage the commitment to justify anger at those who don't fall in line.
I don't say that to start a discussion about climate or any other debate topic. I bring it up because I believe that anger - even well-intended anger - is the root of so much misery in today's world. And I believe anger - and the resulting resentment caused by anger - was my most toxic habit that advanced my drinking habits. In this context, my anger primarily consisted of my attempts to control my environment and the people in my life. It extended to work, personal, and general interactions with the public.
I am not sure if there are ways to measure this, but in the post-pandemic world, it seems as though the general level of anger being generated in our society is increasing. I see angry people everywhere I go. I see couples fighting in WalMart parking lots, strangers fighting at gas stations, parents yelling at children - it seems that not a day goes by that I don't witness a random act of anger playing out in my daily travels.
I know from experience that anger is a quick fix, the equivalent of using overwhelming force to achieve a goal. "PLAY ANGRY OUT THERE" was a common theme shouted by my high school football coaches, as it's an effective way to focus mental and physical effort for a short period of time to achieve an intended outcome.
Much of our current social climate facilitates anger, and in fact encourages it. Politicians leverage anger to sway opinion and to activate their voter base. "How dare you!" has become a popular phrase in this context, as if to imply a difference of opinion is not only wrong but completely unacceptable. Side note - I often wonder what it would be like to live in a world where I was SO certain I was correct on any particular issue, but alas I am forever destined to the gray areas of most debates. Even well intentioned and necessary movements to address the obvious societal shortcomings are too often focused on generating anger. The problem with these approaches is that anger intends not to convince opposition, but to suppress and eliminate it. And it implies we can control a variety of things that would seem beyond control: the climate, the spread of viruses, human desire to have or eliminate having a child... issues on BOTH sides of the political spectrum often boil down to one side attempting to gain control of the people involved and the availability of pertinent resources that cause or enable the issue.
The Serenity Prayer teaches me that I can accept the things I cannot change (control). I accept this portion of the teaching in a radical way, I honestly believe I can accept any position as being true ... in someone else's mind. Their mind can believe that position, and I can live with that. But I control my mind. I do not agree with certain opinions and positions, but that is not the same as disallowing that opinion to exist!! This allows me to coexist with people whose opinions differ significantly from my own. If you want my position, I can deliver that without anger or bias and with logical reasoning why I think the way I do.
During my drinking days, I was angry often, usually because I was certain I was right. The humility delivered by working the steps has placed a level of serenity in my soul that sustains me in the unhappy world around me.
"No thanks, I'm not drinking tonight...", it's a line I have used in sobriety on a number of occasions. It's my first line of defense in responding to what we all have to deal with in recovery. "Surely you want to have a drink right? Why wouldn't you??".
I was never NOT shocked during my drinking days when someone would abstain or cut off their drinking after maybe one drink. It seemed inhuman, and certainly felt unnecessary. So now, to be that guy that occasionally goes into a setting where a drink is available even encouraged, and NOT accept a drink... really it is a surreal feeling to be that guy!
There is frequently discussion in AA meetings and other recovery settings around how to handle such situations. It's obviously a huge pitfall of sobriety to be around your drug of choice. And its further complicated with alcohol recovery in that its use is so widely accepted. We are bombarded daily by advertising telling us to drink their brand, showing people enjoying friends and family doing ...
How often does this happen to you - when you hear a line of discussion in an AA meeting and you wish you were recording or writing things down. It's like you're receiving words of wisdom from a well written book. I had just such an experience this past weekend, and I will try to share it with you.
The topic was "how do you move forward with your sobriety in times of turmoil".
The first gentleman that spoke on the topic shared that his biggest source of turmoil in his life has always been himself - his conflict with others, his anger, his abrasive reactions to others in his life. While others may do us wrong, the one constant in our interactions and problems we have with other people - and the only one which we can hope to control - is ourselves.
This guy spoke of a another man that had come to do work at his house shortly after he had gotten sober. The man was disheveled, reeking of alcohol and smoke from the previous night or perhaps hours before. Upon realizing the state of his worker, ...
An odd thing has happened to me in sobriety. I have difficulty manufacturing fear the way I used to.
To me, fear is a sensation of danger, something that will cause turmoil, suffering, pain, or death. It's a human impulse response designed to motivate us to protect ourselves and our well being. In the case of death, fear feels to me like a combination of worry over the unknown, over a life not fully lived and being cut short, and for those that depend on me to be left without whatever support and care I provide. And to me, anxiety is fear with the simple added element of time. Anxiety is fear over what happened recently, or what is yet to come.
Being mostly free of fear doesn't mean I am brave. I'm not turning into Batman and seeking violent criminals to battle for the common good. I don't want to do free solo climbing - I still have a healthy, even irrational fear of heights when I am exposed to heights in the outside. And I certainly still feel anxiety. I have a love-hate relationship with ...
