A couple of people in my life got me to thinking about the people in our past that had great impact upon us. Many of us have (or had) people in our lives who had great influence, but also may have been a source of lingering pain. Our memories of them are overshadowed by the negative influence and events that occurred. It may be a parent, or a spouse/significant other, a sibling, or friend. In fact when you think about it, most of the important people in our lives fall somewhere in a graph where the x axis is Joy and the y-axis is Pain.

Depression is a part of my story as an alcoholic. Like most people, I did not consider myself depressed, and it was only when receiving help for alcoholism that I became aware of my condition and how it had impacted my life. Starting around age 12, I did not like being at home. I found any excuse to get out of the house - video arcades, after school sports and activities, even going to the grocery store to read magazines. My father loved me and was a good provider, but he was moody and unpredictable, and battled his own mental health issues. My mother fretted over keeping my father happy. It always felt dark and lonely during those years at home. I never wanted to run away from home, but I didn't like spending much time there. Needless to say, when I discovered alcohol around age 14, that became the elixir that swept away my anxiety and insecurity and quickly became my emotional hideaway. I was worried and insecure, constantly uncomfortable in my own skin. I found that alcohol never failed to fix all that, albeit temporarily.

My father provided me with everything. But as he became a successful businessman and father, it rarely seemed to bring him joy. I believe that as he encountered success, he still worried over worst-case scenarios, and feared what tomorrow would bring. He could scarcely overcome his insecurities and controlling tendencies. His methods of control were similar to many men that were raised in and carry forward with toxic environments - control through intimidation.

Being his son, I feel it's not my place to judge my father. It is what it is, and was what it was. He cared, but he had difficulty expressing himself in productive ways. I have my own brand of assholeness - a control mechanism - where I dispense affection, praise, criticism, and rage in accordance with how you behave. When there is absence of conflict between us, you receive affection. But when conflict arises, I resort to criticism to diminish your esteem and cause you to question your judgement and intentions. If that doesn't work I resort to various forms of rage. My brand of rage was not physical, but could be equally intimidating. If your memories of me persist even after I am not present - even if out of your life or dead - that only demonstrates the effectiveness. I've learned that control is a lingering mechanism, it lives beyond the moment, and that is why it's so effective and impactful. If I do my job well I don't have to be around you all the time to influence your behavior. I become that little voice in your ear even if no one is around, and if I have sufficiently intimidated you in person, you will continue to be intimidated when I'm not present. You learn that things go more smoothly between us and you receive affirmations when you seek to please me. If I beat down your self esteem, your interactions away from me are not sufficient to rebuild it.

So now I am 2+ years sober. I have worked the 12 steps and I have changed as a person. The biggest change I have made is giving up almost every sense of control over others. To do that, I've developed a keen sense of knowing what I control and what I don't. It's actually quite simple, since there are so few things I need to control and even fewer that I truly can. I also find that the less I try to control, the happier I am. My being in a hurry is not going to make someone else drive faster or a light change more quickly. And if i yell at my sons for telling me they did something that I disagree with, they'll probably stop telling me things altogether, especially since they are now legal adults.

I also do things that might be rude, but maybe are less rude than how I used to handle things. I have ended conversations with people or left a social gathering somewhat abruptly. I do this quietly and subtly but sometimes with little or no explanation. While I may spend a lot of thought, effort and time trying to help those that need and want my help, I am at certain times quite selfish and focused on self preservation and doing what I want to do.

As someone who still rubs people the wrong way from time to time, what i need from those people is not affection but forgiveness. And the kind of forgiveness i seek is really more like 'forgetness'. I'm not asking them to pretend it didn't happen, I am not even asking they pretend it won't happen again. What I hope for is that they won't let it affect them so deeply, and so negatively.

For all that, I suspect if I could go back and detail these memories to my father, he'd probably say something like "I didn't mean for that to happen". I truly believe he wanted the best for us. Working himself nearly insane was in his mind the best way to bring happiness to his family. He'd probably wonder why I took things the way I did. I think that given his own poor upbringing, he thought that having money and some sense of financial security should solve any problems. He'd be the first to admit maybe he was wrong. I certainly think he'd say he was just doing the best he could. Aren't we all.