Guidelines I have learned in 12-step program that help in managing conflict in my life...
1. In any conflict, fight, or argument, each side has a part in it. Seldom is there someone that is right and someone that is wrong.
2. Often times people don't argue to be right, they argue to be heard. Even though tempted to cut off and overwhelm with your side of the argument, stop a moment, and listen. This will de-escalate the conflict.
3. Hanging on to resentment over conflict is similar to treading water while holding a large rock. Drop the rock. Forgive, admit your part in it, and figure out how to move past it.
4. Keep your ego in check. Being right is overrated. Listening, compromising, finding common ground... all can be far more satisfying than winning a fight.
5. Apologies should not be qualified or followed by 'but...'.
6. You don't have to forget to forgive. You just have to agree to keep the past in the past and move beyond.
7. If you are certain in your position, avoid the tendency to dig in and prove it. Judge others by their intentions, not by their emotions and sometimes not literally by their words and actions. I can still believe most people are well intentioned, even if their words and actions don't match those intentions.
8. Establish and maintain boundaries in your life and relationships. Be consistent.
During my period of alcohol abuse, my pendulum swung from being exceedingly conflict averse to being overtly outspoken and belligerent in conflict. My sobriety - therefore my mental and physical health - depends upon being able to cope productively with conflict. I cannot be completely avoid conflict nor can I afford to drown in anger and resentment. It takes daily mindfulness to these principles for me to live a sober and content life. Do you have any to add? Please feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments.
"No thanks, I'm not drinking tonight...", it's a line I have used in sobriety on a number of occasions. It's my first line of defense in responding to what we all have to deal with in recovery. "Surely you want to have a drink right? Why wouldn't you??".
I was never NOT shocked during my drinking days when someone would abstain or cut off their drinking after maybe one drink. It seemed inhuman, and certainly felt unnecessary. So now, to be that guy that occasionally goes into a setting where a drink is available even encouraged, and NOT accept a drink... really it is a surreal feeling to be that guy!
There is frequently discussion in AA meetings and other recovery settings around how to handle such situations. It's obviously a huge pitfall of sobriety to be around your drug of choice. And its further complicated with alcohol recovery in that its use is so widely accepted. We are bombarded daily by advertising telling us to drink their brand, showing people enjoying friends and family doing ...
I actually feel guilty when people ask me how I'm doing. In a world where there is a large segment of the population that believes the world is evil, broken, is about to end, or wish that it WOULD end... I am enjoying life far more than at any other time in my lifetime. I've overcome addictions and daily alcohol abuse that had me retching, shaking and drinking at 4am every day. I drank lethal doses of alcohol daily. I took my life to the edge of the cliff and bounced off of it. So I'll see your existential threats to humanity (climate, viruses, or whatever those may be) and raise you a huge IDGAF. Life is fragile and fretting over our existence isn't going to change that.
Okay, it's not that I really don't care. But I do believe the egotistic nature of mankind is what is really at work here. Humankind is intellectually curious, ambitious, somewhat greedy. We have become conditioned to always want more and more, leading to expecting more, eventually to DEMANDING more ("OK, Karen" ). While certain ...
How often does this happen to you - when you hear a line of discussion in an AA meeting and you wish you were recording or writing things down. It's like you're receiving words of wisdom from a well written book. I had just such an experience this past weekend, and I will try to share it with you.
The topic was "how do you move forward with your sobriety in times of turmoil".
The first gentleman that spoke on the topic shared that his biggest source of turmoil in his life has always been himself - his conflict with others, his anger, his abrasive reactions to others in his life. While others may do us wrong, the one constant in our interactions and problems we have with other people - and the only one which we can hope to control - is ourselves.
This guy spoke of a another man that had come to do work at his house shortly after he had gotten sober. The man was disheveled, reeking of alcohol and smoke from the previous night or perhaps hours before. Upon realizing the state of his worker, ...
