As I go through the second year of my sobriety, I am re-tracing my memories and notes of my first time through the steps. This is my journal entry for step 4 - Searching and fearless moral inventory. This step was difficult. I learned this is where the ‘work’ of the steps is. It’s where someone like me tries to say once again that I never really hurt anyone other than myself so there’s not much to do here. Then I reflected on AA meetings I have been in, and people that shared they thought the same at first, before realizing how disconnected they were from their world when they were drinking. And now I’m far enough into the steps to realize that for myself as well. My sense of the world around me is changing and I am realizing how different things really are now. I care more. I am less selfish about my time and my thoughts. I’m intellectually more curious about things. My attention span and train of thought are so much improved. So I began to realize there is much I can write down as character defects and moral inventory. My sister recommended listing every person of significance in my life, and maybe also every significant conflict with them, and to try to identify my part in them. My sponsor also put emphasis on ‘what was my part’ in anything that has gone awry in my life or any relationship that went downhill. With that mindset the release of my flaws and consequences of my regular drinking came easily. This is a step with a lot of work the first time through the steps, and a working step for the rest of my sobriety. Our character defects reveal themselves every day, therefore, we have daily opportunities to identify, reflect, and improve upon them.
"No thanks, I'm not drinking tonight...", it's a line I have used in sobriety on a number of occasions. It's my first line of defense in responding to what we all have to deal with in recovery. "Surely you want to have a drink right? Why wouldn't you??".
I was never NOT shocked during my drinking days when someone would abstain or cut off their drinking after maybe one drink. It seemed inhuman, and certainly felt unnecessary. So now, to be that guy that occasionally goes into a setting where a drink is available even encouraged, and NOT accept a drink... really it is a surreal feeling to be that guy!
There is frequently discussion in AA meetings and other recovery settings around how to handle such situations. It's obviously a huge pitfall of sobriety to be around your drug of choice. And its further complicated with alcohol recovery in that its use is so widely accepted. We are bombarded daily by advertising telling us to drink their brand, showing people enjoying friends and family doing ...
I actually feel guilty when people ask me how I'm doing. In a world where there is a large segment of the population that believes the world is evil, broken, is about to end, or wish that it WOULD end... I am enjoying life far more than at any other time in my lifetime. I've overcome addictions and daily alcohol abuse that had me retching, shaking and drinking at 4am every day. I drank lethal doses of alcohol daily. I took my life to the edge of the cliff and bounced off of it. So I'll see your existential threats to humanity (climate, viruses, or whatever those may be) and raise you a huge IDGAF. Life is fragile and fretting over our existence isn't going to change that.
Okay, it's not that I really don't care. But I do believe the egotistic nature of mankind is what is really at work here. Humankind is intellectually curious, ambitious, somewhat greedy. We have become conditioned to always want more and more, leading to expecting more, eventually to DEMANDING more ("OK, Karen" ). While certain ...
How often does this happen to you - when you hear a line of discussion in an AA meeting and you wish you were recording or writing things down. It's like you're receiving words of wisdom from a well written book. I had just such an experience this past weekend, and I will try to share it with you.
The topic was "how do you move forward with your sobriety in times of turmoil".
The first gentleman that spoke on the topic shared that his biggest source of turmoil in his life has always been himself - his conflict with others, his anger, his abrasive reactions to others in his life. While others may do us wrong, the one constant in our interactions and problems we have with other people - and the only one which we can hope to control - is ourselves.
This guy spoke of a another man that had come to do work at his house shortly after he had gotten sober. The man was disheveled, reeking of alcohol and smoke from the previous night or perhaps hours before. Upon realizing the state of his worker, ...
