I am now well past 2 years sober. I still feel relatively new to all of this, and I am. The risks of falling back into our old ways never leave our lives. I thought I would share a few thoughts on how I manage my life in ongoing sobriety.
1. Mitigate resentments
A big part of my sobriety is controlling anger and negative emotions. But yes I still get angry in traffic, I still can get 'set-off' by a family member saying the wrong thing or saying something the wrong way. I still get frustrated with work and co-workers. These things are OK!! But, I constantly ask myself, to what extent to I want to let these things fester and stew during my day. It's a two-step process for me:
- Pause before I react. Consider whether my initial reaction is really necessary, just for a moment. Consider whether calm and de-escalation might be more productive than lashing out. And if lashing is still merited, consider a subtle approach that makes the same point.
** Once I've reacted, ponder how long I want to let that resentment sit around on my mind. The answer is pretty consistent: If you'll just let it go - the sooner the better - you'll be happier moving forward. Even if you feel like you have to let someone "off the hook" for what they did, you will still feel better moving on and not trying leverage your resentment and anger to punish them.
Mitigation and resolution of resentments is a little secret you have found to have a happier life. Don't let one person or one event ruin that.
2. Be of service to others
Volunteering at church, school, and other organizations and groups is all well and good, but I find it most fulfilling to truly connect with others in need. When you assist with a church sponsored function for example, you reach people that generally have already found help and hope. But in finding ways to connect outside of these organizations, you might reach someone who hasn't figured out how to get the help they need. I go through my days constantly open to someone approaching me with a need or a way I can help. A specific example might be a donation of clothing or other useful item(s) you want to make. Sure, you can drop it off at Goodwill, and that's a solid approach to helping others. But consider instead making a Craigslist post and offering it for free to someone in need. You may connect with someone who truly has an urgent need and you can save them the cost of having to buy via thrift store. Note this can carry some additional risk in connection with the public and people you don't know, but I have found it well worth the time, effort and risk.
3. Don't Control - Influence!
Politics, presidents, pandemics, all the topics that have become divisive and controversial in our daily lives can be a source of frustration and anger. The negative energy and stress generated by discussing and reading/hearing about these types of topics can lead to an unproductive downward spiral of mood and behavior. I have strong feelings on the political and societal topics of today, but you would rarely know this, even if you interact with me frequently. I prefer to limit that which I am attempting to control, I limit basically myself and the way I think and lead MY life, not the thoughts and lives of others. We all like to think we can intelligently and calmly discuss divisive topics, but it rarely goes well in reality. When it comes to discussion of right and wrong on these topics, understanding and acknowledgement of why people think they way they do, and why they take the differing opinion on things goes a long ways toward reducing conflict. Always remember: People are generally well intentioned and truly want what is best for themselves and others.
4. Effortless growth
Saying that you want to 'grow' as a person sounds great. During my drinking days, I would often think I needed to grow but WOW it seemed like SO much effort. I'd have to find some thing that I didn't really want to do, and spend time I didn't really want to spend learning something I didn't really want to learn. In reality, you can stick to the things that interest you, and find your own growth areas. My kids are music oriented. Growing as a person does not mean I should, at age 50+, try to become a musical person. It interests me greatly to watch them grow and develop their music interests, but that does not translate well to ME growing my personal abilities the same way. So I volunteer to do support for the organizations they play for. It's a more productive way to grow and learn and be a part of their world without trying to a peer in that world.
"No thanks, I'm not drinking tonight...", it's a line I have used in sobriety on a number of occasions. It's my first line of defense in responding to what we all have to deal with in recovery. "Surely you want to have a drink right? Why wouldn't you??".
I was never NOT shocked during my drinking days when someone would abstain or cut off their drinking after maybe one drink. It seemed inhuman, and certainly felt unnecessary. So now, to be that guy that occasionally goes into a setting where a drink is available even encouraged, and NOT accept a drink... really it is a surreal feeling to be that guy!
There is frequently discussion in AA meetings and other recovery settings around how to handle such situations. It's obviously a huge pitfall of sobriety to be around your drug of choice. And its further complicated with alcohol recovery in that its use is so widely accepted. We are bombarded daily by advertising telling us to drink their brand, showing people enjoying friends and family doing ...
I actually feel guilty when people ask me how I'm doing. In a world where there is a large segment of the population that believes the world is evil, broken, is about to end, or wish that it WOULD end... I am enjoying life far more than at any other time in my lifetime. I've overcome addictions and daily alcohol abuse that had me retching, shaking and drinking at 4am every day. I drank lethal doses of alcohol daily. I took my life to the edge of the cliff and bounced off of it. So I'll see your existential threats to humanity (climate, viruses, or whatever those may be) and raise you a huge IDGAF. Life is fragile and fretting over our existence isn't going to change that.
Okay, it's not that I really don't care. But I do believe the egotistic nature of mankind is what is really at work here. Humankind is intellectually curious, ambitious, somewhat greedy. We have become conditioned to always want more and more, leading to expecting more, eventually to DEMANDING more ("OK, Karen" ). While certain ...
How often does this happen to you - when you hear a line of discussion in an AA meeting and you wish you were recording or writing things down. It's like you're receiving words of wisdom from a well written book. I had just such an experience this past weekend, and I will try to share it with you.
The topic was "how do you move forward with your sobriety in times of turmoil".
The first gentleman that spoke on the topic shared that his biggest source of turmoil in his life has always been himself - his conflict with others, his anger, his abrasive reactions to others in his life. While others may do us wrong, the one constant in our interactions and problems we have with other people - and the only one which we can hope to control - is ourselves.
This guy spoke of a another man that had come to do work at his house shortly after he had gotten sober. The man was disheveled, reeking of alcohol and smoke from the previous night or perhaps hours before. Upon realizing the state of his worker, ...
