Am I an alcoholic? When does social/casual transition into problem drinking?
There are any number of quizzes and Q&A's that attempt to define problem drinking. To me, those never mattered, and having admitted to my alcoholism, I could argue they still do not. I went through various stages of assuming my body handled alcohol better than most, that I needed more alcohol to have the effect anyone else did. By the time I could see it was a problem, I simply assumed no one would understand how or why I got there. I thought I was so unique. Such is the ego of a practicing alcoholic.
I hate the word 'alcoholic'. There, I said it. I can accept that I am an alcoholic. Every time I go to an AA meeting I state that I am one. I embrace all things about me that made me alcoholic, the good and the bad. I'm trying to turn bad traits to good ones, embrace and deal with those traits that I cannot change, and use my new sober superpowers for good toward others. But that word, "alcoholic", sucks. Yeah I said it I think it sucks, and ever since I exited my teen years I have tried to avoid saying something sucks but I can't think of a better word at this time.
I dislike the word because of all the usual images of what an alcoholic is. I dislike it because I feel that there is so much explanation behind what it means for every single person that is one, myself included.
If alcoholism were a lake, some fill the lake with a firehose or a raging river within a few weeks or months. Some fill it with a leaky drip over 50 years, as I did. Some people end up in jail, escalate to stronger drugs, develop a police record. Others stay home, alone, committing a slow version of suicide. I never felt suicidal. To any extent that I suffer from depression, I would admit to feeling down and anxiety, but not wanting to end my life. But by the time you realize you are on a slow, suicidal track, it is too late, and you feel nothing can be done to reverse course.
What all those that are abusing alcohol have in common, is that they are losing the battle. An alcoholic is losing their health, their friends, their family, trust, respect. Slowly, not all at once, but it's happening, whether they realize it or not. I avoided doctors the last 6-7 years of my drinking. I declined a desirable upgrade in my life insurance because it would have required a simple nurse visitation and blood test. I knew what was going to happen if I saw a doctor. They would know what is going on with my body. They will know what I'm doing to myself. I felt other changes in my body that were abnormal. My attention span, my mood, my desire to exercise, all were greatly diminished.
I tried cutting back and failed. I tried quitting, which could be done for short periods of time ranging from 3 days to 3 weeks. Over and over the cycle continued. And it all further confirmed in my alcoholic mindset that no one would understand what I am going through.
If you look at step one of a twelve step program - "admitted we are powerless over alcohol, and our lives had become unmanageable" - therein lies a potential definition of an alcoholic. Not "we admitted we drink a fifth of vodka every day" or "we admitted we drink before noon"... no, we admitted we had no power to define when and how much we drink, and it's having an adverse effect on our life. That's pretty simple to define. I could have admitted that a long time before I did. I don't have to care for the term "alcoholic" to apply it. And the beauty of it is, I don't have to tell anyone that I don't wish to discuss it with. Other alcoholics understand each other. We've heard it all, as the saying goes.
So stop thinking that your type of drinking is so special, so unique, so NECESSARY, that it cannot be stopped. It's OK if for once in your life, you let your guard down and let someone talk to you, and help you. I was born to be king of skeptics, and this is the one, and only, self-improvement program that worked for me, to stop drinking. I joined a step program, a.k.a. a cult, found God, whatever you want to call it, go for it. It works, if you work for it.
In recovery, none of us are special, each of us is a miracle.
"No thanks, I'm not drinking tonight...", it's a line I have used in sobriety on a number of occasions. It's my first line of defense in responding to what we all have to deal with in recovery. "Surely you want to have a drink right? Why wouldn't you??".
I was never NOT shocked during my drinking days when someone would abstain or cut off their drinking after maybe one drink. It seemed inhuman, and certainly felt unnecessary. So now, to be that guy that occasionally goes into a setting where a drink is available even encouraged, and NOT accept a drink... really it is a surreal feeling to be that guy!
There is frequently discussion in AA meetings and other recovery settings around how to handle such situations. It's obviously a huge pitfall of sobriety to be around your drug of choice. And its further complicated with alcohol recovery in that its use is so widely accepted. We are bombarded daily by advertising telling us to drink their brand, showing people enjoying friends and family doing ...
I actually feel guilty when people ask me how I'm doing. In a world where there is a large segment of the population that believes the world is evil, broken, is about to end, or wish that it WOULD end... I am enjoying life far more than at any other time in my lifetime. I've overcome addictions and daily alcohol abuse that had me retching, shaking and drinking at 4am every day. I drank lethal doses of alcohol daily. I took my life to the edge of the cliff and bounced off of it. So I'll see your existential threats to humanity (climate, viruses, or whatever those may be) and raise you a huge IDGAF. Life is fragile and fretting over our existence isn't going to change that.
Okay, it's not that I really don't care. But I do believe the egotistic nature of mankind is what is really at work here. Humankind is intellectually curious, ambitious, somewhat greedy. We have become conditioned to always want more and more, leading to expecting more, eventually to DEMANDING more ("OK, Karen" ). While certain ...
How often does this happen to you - when you hear a line of discussion in an AA meeting and you wish you were recording or writing things down. It's like you're receiving words of wisdom from a well written book. I had just such an experience this past weekend, and I will try to share it with you.
The topic was "how do you move forward with your sobriety in times of turmoil".
The first gentleman that spoke on the topic shared that his biggest source of turmoil in his life has always been himself - his conflict with others, his anger, his abrasive reactions to others in his life. While others may do us wrong, the one constant in our interactions and problems we have with other people - and the only one which we can hope to control - is ourselves.
This guy spoke of a another man that had come to do work at his house shortly after he had gotten sober. The man was disheveled, reeking of alcohol and smoke from the previous night or perhaps hours before. Upon realizing the state of his worker, ...
